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What We're Gonna Do When the Revolution Comes

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Marian Robinson, Malia Obama, Sasha Obama and Michelle Obama (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

I've recently come across some articles and heard the latest theories about the phenomenon of white anxiety as a precursor to the rise of the era of Trump and Trumpism. Essentially, there's an overwhelming sense of dread that, based on impending demographic trends, has old white people especially worried about their place in the food chain.

White people are afraid of becoming a minority and, thus, afraid of all the negative connotations that come with the minority status they've placed on others. They're afraid that when they lose their numerical advantage to the "others," we're going to mete upon them what's been foisted upon us.

And you know what? They're totally right to worry.

We're definitely coming for them. Black people have been planning the revolution for years (hint: It won't be televised).

Oh, yes, it's the statues first, and after we've yanked all those metal mothafuckin' monuments down, we're coming to finish the job on white people in total.

Those two New Black Panthers outside the Philadelphia polling station in 2012? That was the advance team. Your grandparents tried to warn you, but you didn't listen.

To put it simply, as soon as we find out that white people are no longer a majority (we have a Google alert set), we're kicking off the revolution. It's coming. Fox News has been right this whole time. That said, this article is strictly based on discussions being held within the black delegation. We haven't finalized any plans-nor have we been in consultation with our friends from the Latinx, Asian or Native American organizations-but we're pretty sure we're all working on some level of demographic-based revenge.

If you're white and you're reading this, this is your warning. If you're black, think of this as our blueprint for a new America.

We're shutting down the comments section.

Let's be honest-there's always some racist shit going down in the comments section. If we're gonna get really real, we could probably draw a direct line between racists being empowered to publicly vent racist shit in comments sections and the ascension of an openly racist president. There's something to be said about the anonymity of the internet and the anonymity of the voting booth that emboldens people to dispense with their pleasant facades and embrace the hate within.

Nah, fuck all that. The revolution demands that you say that shit to our faces.

The days of talking that white supremacy shit in a safe place are over. Say goodbye to Yelp, too. Black folks don't fuck with snitches like that, so that whole thing gotta go.

We're putting kale back in its place.

So we're clear and there's no room for ambiguity, kale is trash food. It's a tired-ass leaf that used to be cheap and folks didn't care about it. In fact, when I was a kid, nobody liked to eat Aunt Evangeline's greens because she put too much kale in that shit.

Then white people discovered kale, and it went from being a garnish to some shit I gotta pretend to like enough to spend $68 on it in a salad. I'm submitting a paper for consideration for the Nobel Prize in economics on the nexus of the pernicious effects of gentrification and unchecked white-people shit, and it's just gonna be 200 printed pages of the word "kale" in 24-point font.

Fuck that. Kale's getting a proper demotion during the revolution. We're reordering the hierarchy of greens, damn it:

Dead-ass last: kale

We're making Jesus black (again).

Because he was. The official Jesus of the revolution will be the Ned the Wino-based portrait from Good Times. #Blessed

We're replacing Fox News with 24 hours of Keith David just telling it like it is.

Fox News may be the most prototypically American form of entertainment going today. Overtly racist, covertly sexist, and throwing good dollar after bad trying to pretend like it ain't while everyone else pretends it's credible and respectable. Watching Fox & Friends in the morning is the intellectual equivalent of attending a White Citizens' Council meeting in the 1960s South. For a black person, looking at Steve Doocy's shit-eating grin for more than six minutes will generate a level of Afro-ire that can cause one to contemplate whether reverse racism is, in fact, a thing because the anger is so irrational.

That's why the revolution needs Keith David as our collective mouthpiece. His voice conveys such gravitas, such wisdom and such don't-fuck-with-me force that it's impossible not to take anything he's saying seriously and actionably.

In fact, we're even thinking about having a weekend roundtable show called We're Tired of This Monkey Shit, featuring David, Samuel L. Jackson, Jennifer Lewis and Clifton Powell splitting a pack of menthols whilst explaining the monkey shit that they're tired of and that needs to immediately cease.

We have a strong feeling the revolution is gonna spark a lot of bullshit, horseshit and monkey shit, and this kind of unflinching commentary will be necessary.

We're moving Black History Month to the summer.

For barbecue purposes.

We're gonna save a few white people.

Because the revolution is compassionate and some white people have gone above and beyond in their commitment to blackness, we're granting a reprieve to a select group:

  • Steve Kerr because he brought a chip to Oakland, Calif. (arguably the fifth-blackest place on earth-for now), and his NBA pedigree leads us to believe he's good at playing spades and signifying.
  • Ms. Wagner from Last Chance U because she cares about and shows love for black men in a nonfetishizing way and gives a fuck when she doesn't have to.
  • Dan in IT because he's cool as shit and didn't trip when we spilled coffee all over that new MacBook. Plus, the revolution is gonna need IT support and he's good at that shit.

In the spirit of fairness, and since we aren't all bad, we'll let the white people keep Ray Lewis and Charles Barkley.

Extra sauce is going to be free.

They've been charging us for that shit for years for no good reason. The revolution can't promise you universal health care or a viable means of addressing income inequality, but we can assure you that there will be more than enough sauce.

You're welcome.

We're making Obama president again (sorta).

And by that we mean that the presidency will be held by a member of the Obama family at all times, be it Barack, Michelle, Malia, Sasha, Bo or Sunny. After we run out of Obamas, we're going to offer the new rotating presidency to the Williams sisters, who will be followed by any African-American person who has earned the scorn of white people simply for being good at their job.

Next time you're getting shat on at work because your black excellence is on 12, remember that the revolution recognizes your struggle through all that monkey shit, and one day, you could be our president, too.

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